DAYDREAMER

One of my favorite things to do is wake up slow.

Scratch that....                                   

One of my former favorite things to do was to wake up slow.

Nothing to do today. No work, no pressure.... just hit snooze and doze for a while until you feel like getting up. 

I like to use this time in bed, half dozing, half waking up, to daydream. It allows me to come close to something like lucid dreaming I can set the scene and oh, the things I can dream of...

Sexy things, adventures, vacations, bright futures.... a world of my own creation all painted brightly on the walls of my brain.

I've still been working from home most days which affords me many opportunities to wake up slow. Most of these mornings I simply get up ad start working instead, denying myself a previously coveted pastime.

These days, even when I am controlling the direction of my dreaming they turn quickly to nightmares that waking can't vanquish.

When the Boogeyman is your own memory, you most painful memory, even the brightest nightlight, the fluffiest covers pulled over your head, and the most reasonable brain can't chase his shadows from under the bed. This monster is real.

This morning I was waking up slow. I'm laying under the covers with sleepy dogs snuggled by my feet. I'm moving soon and this makes pretty good daydreaming material.

Finish packing, quick....what will my old place look like when I'm done and it's all empty?... How long will I procrastinate unpacking my stuff?....Unpack soon so I can have people over... it's gonna be so nice having friends so close by...how cute my new place is gonna look!....Where to hang the Indian flute girl painting?... do I want mom's ashes in my place?.... Mom.... ashes... my beautiful mom is ashes now...

The haze of anticipation and excitement clears and a heavy fog of memory overcomes me and I'm there holding her hand. Julia and I are talking about ordering Thai food. I put on some indian music for mom because I know it comforts her. Mom's gulping like a fish out of water. We're taking about curry.... "I think the bipap is the only thing breathing." The silence of the machines turning off. The stillness in her chest. Face ashen and drawn tight. Really?! 

Life Shift

New reality. 

No more mom for you.... ever... never ever.

I didn't whisper comforts or love as she left.... I talked about pineapple curry. 

I was picking an appetizer when she took her last breath.... I made a takeout order while she was FUCKING DYING RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

 

 

No hurry. No need to rush out of bed. Go ahead and try to wake up slow dreaming of a better tomorrow when all your tomorrows will begin with remembering she's dead and you'll never hold her hand again... ever.