No alarms and no surprises

A pretty recent picture of mom over at Cory and Kerrie's house.

Fundraising is amazing. If you ever want proof that there is a tiny bit of light left in this world, asking for help will do it. I am amazed, but not surprised, at the response and love I am seeing. It's beautiful.
I'm having a moment of doubt... of fear. I believe that we have a chance to save my mom even though the odds are stacked. I can't believe anything else and still make it out of bed every day. I have to grasp these tiny shreds of hope or.... well, I'd be wrecked and no help to anyone. But I have my doubts and I stumble back into despair. The worst thing that could possibly happen to me is happening, so it becomes easy to feel like the fates have aimed their ray gun of suck at me and will just continue to pile the shit on.
What if she doesn't get into this trial for one reason or another? What if she doesn't get the real drug and gets 6 months of placebo? Meanwhile we are unable to explore other treatments because she is involved in this study and is getting nowhere on the placebo.
I feel a bit like I'm running in place. I am impatient. I need to feel forward movement. Time isn't something we have the luxury of wasting anymore. It has only been a few weeks but I feel so urgent about everything. We need to be going to Portland for the trials like last week! I know I'll feel better when I hear back from Dr Goslin at Providence ALS Center about this NP-001 trial. It can't come soon enough.